I took this picture yesterday with a totally different idea in mind, definitely not a blog post, maybe a little something on my Instagram but not a full out post. The plan was to promote my Thirty-One business because all the fall is here and it is so pretty and goes great with the sugar free cinnamon Dunkin I was sipping while starting my VIP group post.
But then I looked closer and I could see the sadness I am carrying in those eyes hidden behind those sunglasses that were totally not needed because the skies are gray. Those glasses were holding the tears that were in my eyes and the redness around my eyebrows back from the view of the people who support my business. The people who support my family by buying bags and people who have become part of something more for me. I was trying to hide and just push another product.
Instead, I’ve decided that photo needs to go beyond my group or my Instagram followers. The chapter of my story right now needs to be shared.
On a Sunday filled with the goodness of hearing a sweet friend sing my favorite song while birds chirped and clouds passed overhead as my church family worshipped in the park, I was facing so much doubt. No. Struggling with so much doubt.
On a Sunday when I should feel built up, I was torn down three times. The battle with my spirit is so real right now. I’m ready to give up my fight and come off my wall. But when I’m told how I should be, it is tough. Whether it is the clothes I wear, the choices I make, or the hair over my lip, I shouldn’t feel like I have to answer to anyone.
After two incidents happened to tear me down, my husband gave me a break and we canceled plans so I could get some alone time…and that is when I let a third person tell me who I should be – a woman without hair on her face. I had no idea my eyebrows, lips, or chin needed the attention they got and while I am thankful that I got cleaned up, it also hurt and I’m not talking about the pain of wax peeling 10+ tears of light blonde hairs off the tenderest parts of my skin.
I’m talking about a deep pain where you try to be the right person for everyone over and over. Where you try to conform to some mold of what your society or religion thinks you should be when in the end what matters is having things right with God the Father, Jesus the Son, and Holy Spirit. Nothing else matters, but oh can it hurt.
In the midst of this, I found myself listening to “Good and Loved” over and over, trying to remind myself that I am loved but goodness is it hard right now. And this is just one day in almost a year of painful attacks – some I haven’t talked about but maybe need to so people can understand how much their opinions hurt.
As much as I want to be a good role model to my children and the people around me, the truth is that I can’t. I am an imperfect person who makes mistakes. And right now, I’m learning that sometimes I have to dig deep in these moments to find God’s grace and goodness…but it is there.
If you’re in the depths of something, just remember that God set the stars and planets exactly where they are and He loves you. It is not easy (my hands are raised high in agreement), but lean into God’s love and know He cares for you deeply. That is what I am doing, even in these hard moments. So Will I.