I’m trying to get my bearings following a week “away” in my city for work. All the plans were there for me to rest and read during downtime but I am a relationship builder and couldn’t make the time I needed for me.
Unfortunately, that started to spiral into something that MOMFESSION has me in a funk, comparison.
Checking Myself in the Mirror
It started with worrying that I was holding back the other morning runners. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself that this was an awesome moment for me [to be able to run “with” my boss, our CEO, and others from the company], I just got down on myself for making them shuffle through the runs. Maybe someday I will feel fast enough to run with a group, but even cutting 45 seconds off my time from Saturday to Wednesday didn’t push out those voices.
Then there were the group photos where [omg] my [big] white arms made an appearance. No one else has bingo arms, do they? Or if they do, they know better than to “show them off”.
Even getting a smaller than I am used to t-shirt and sweater didn’t even change my mind. I saw myself as a blob!
It’s More Than Just Looks
Not to be all woe is me, but I got some blog related news today that made me just want to quit this whole blogging thing. It made me want to stop using my voice.
I’d been given advice about how easy it was to do something and then after two weeks of anticipating the end result, I got my news. I started to compare numbers that I can see (Twitter, Insatagram) and wonder why them and not me. I wanted to throw in the towel and never try for opportunities again. Because…comparison.
May 2020 Becky checking in here — that “thing” that I was disappointed in not getting chosen for? NO CLUE what it was but clearly it doesn’t matter now. See how quickly things can change?
Falling Victim and Being the Culprit
You’re starting to get it, right? I was falling victim to comparison and it hurt. Heck, it still hurts…
But you know, I’m sure I send others in comparison spirals unintentionally. And that’s the thing…I can’t feel guilty. We are responsible for our joy and comparison is the thief of it. God made us all unique with different running paces (or the desire NOT to run), skin colors and the size of the skin that holds our greatness, and skills. I’m working on trying to embrace my differences in the same way I cherish others.
Call It Quits
I’ve got to figure out my way to deal and start to turn my ship around. Will you help me by not comparing yourself today?
May 2020 Becky checking in here again. This post was written just about a week after our baptism, a step in faith. Even so soon after that powerful event, I wasn’t calling it quits on the sin of comparison. I’m still working on it, but reading back over this post I’m so grateful for grace and change.
Looking for a book to help you quit the comparison trap? In 2020 I dove into a study of “You Are the Girl for the Job” and I highly suggest you give this book a read. Available on Amazon and other book sellers.
This post, Washing my Face with Rachel Hollis, contains affiliate links through my relationship with Amazon. I purchased this book on my own and wanted to share my opinions (which are 100% my own) with you.
Girl. I just cried all the ugly tears as I finished the last two chapters of Rachel Hollis’ Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are so You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be. I’d had all these intentions to share posts with you here that were all book club-like, chapter by chapter, sharing my summaries but I had to stop that thought and just dive right into chapters 19 and 20 and talk about them right now because I’m over here washing my face and praising God for giving Rachel (and me) the talent to write for our hearts.
Why I Need to Wash My Face
It’s barely 7:00 AM on a steamy Pittsburgh summer day and I am driving down 28 with tears in my eyes. My heart and head have been so torn up lately after getting some gritty, heartwrenching truths about how people feel about my life (and my loves).
I’ve been struggling with wondering what my purpose is and if I should keep blogging, keep staying so laser-focused on weight loss and another Half Marathon PR. I’ve been wondering if all the things I say yes to are taking away from my kids and husband – and realizing that they are absolutely changing relationships with other family and friends.
I’ve been struggling with division, especially as our city has been plagued with a shooting that is so senseless and so confusing that it hurts. I’ve been struggling with my position – a white, Christian, and a fairly conservative girl raised in a sandbox full of kids and adults that were just like me who ends up marrying a bi-racial man who was raised in another faith and is raising four extremely beautiful and unique babies with me. My whiteness and my affiliation with the church are often lumped into the firey coals of division that the people like my husband and kids deal with every day – I’m not seen as an ally in dark times like this, but often an enemy because my response to pray is never enough for either side – I’m stuck in the middle of a war where being Switzerland just hurts so bad. I don’t understand why EVERYONE can’t just love like Jesus does.
Washing My Face with Rachel Hollis
So back to those tears. I was crying because I was overwhelmed with all these lies I’d been telling myself and I didn’t even know it, not until I snagged the Audible version of Girl, Wash Your Face and plugged it into my car’s sound system. Once I started, how I wished I’d grabbed it back when my friend Tabatha posted it on her Instagram, but I know now that God’s perfect timing came into play as I got to the last two chapters.
If you don’t have this amazing book, stop what you are doing right now and go get it – Amazon has it available on audio (how I took this book in) and in hardback and you can be reading it by the weekend!
Rachel Hollis tackles the lies that she’s lived with in hopes that her readers will break free from those lies and live a life full of passion and exuberance. I’ll tell you what, I wish I could grab a coffee with her and tell her how much she spoke to me.
Yinz might think I have it all together, but that’s far from wrong. My faith and my family anchor me in the midst of the chaos that comes with being me, but there are just some days when I just can’t do life. There are days when I wonder if I am worthy of the blessings. There are days when the blessings (particularly 1, 2, 3, and 4) are just too much for my body and brain to manage. There are days when work has to come before family and days when family has to come before work. And through each of those days, I’m telling myself lies that hold me back from the big dreams and goals I have, the things that I know God’s made me for.
Listening to Girl, Wash Your Face brought to light so many of the things I feel like I struggle with and made me realize they aren’t as big as my worrying brain makes them out to be. It ended with two pretty big boom chapters that are helping me in the here and now, the two big reasons I need to be washing my face and moving forward, to stop lying to myself.
19. The Lie: There’s Only One Right Way to Be
I almost feel like my thoughts on this one should come last, but since this comes first in the book, I think I’ll start here.
While Rachel Hollis was raised in California and I call Pennsylvania home, it sounds like our upbringing was pretty similar. Both PK’s (preacher’s kids) growing up in worlds that were all white. Stepping outside the sandbox had a little bit of a scare factor to it at first, but once we realized that the lie of growing up in a world that is cookie cutter and all the same, oh did the beauty of the world our Lord made shine!
For me, my first memory of meeting someone who was black was in third grade. My dad was going to seminary in Dayton, Ohio where being white was a minority. We lived about three hours away in lily-white farm country where the churches still had big organs and dusty hymnals. Dad took us for a visit and I met one of his best friends, Walter. This man amazed me, and I’d sit for hours having theological discussions with him. I could feel God’s work overflowing from his heart and knew he was going to leave that seminary and go on and do great things.
What my Dad hadn’t told me and my brother (and probably mom) in advance? Walter was black. Dad, you gave me an incredible gift right there on that day. You didn’t tell me what lines to draw in my sandbox. You let me and my innocent 9-year-old heart decide how to act in God’s love. And you told me time and again from there out how God made us each different and unique and that you’d love me no matter who I chose to love. You let me decide what to do in my sandbox, and I thank you.
My stories of getting to know people who are different (whether race, faith, love, etc) could go on for days. I’m so thankful God opened my eyes to love as he does, to love people right where they are and that there is not just one right way to be. Even when I’m hearing opposition about the person I chose to love. Even when I’m watching other moms like me wonder if their brown sons and daughters will come home. Even then. Because my faith and love are so much bigger than my fears.
Remember, you can grab our own copy of this book here!
20. The Lie: I Need a Hero
8 years ago, I was at my heaviest weight. I never really had a strong desire to do anything about it, but being pregnant at 300 pounds and not getting gestational diabetes spoke to me. I needed to get healthy for my kids. I needed to be their hero.
Throughout this journey of weight loss and running, I’ve done it all for me and for them. I look back at the changes and sacrifices I’ve made and never once did I wish that someone else would change with or for me. I knew that I had to do it all myself. Those miles. Those dietary changes. That was all me and my choice.
These eight years have been somewhat of a roller coaster, but it’s not one I’m ready to jump off. While I don’t think anyone needs a hero to swoop in and do it for them (because they can’t), I want to be that person that people look to and say, “if Becky can do it, why can’t I?”.
That’s not to be egotistical. I’m as competitive as the next runner, but I know that I am only competing against myself. Everyone has their journey, but if we can inspire each other along the way, let’s do that. I know I have plenty of people I look to when I’m having days where a Diet Pepsi looks so refreshing and I forget that I’ve gone 19 months without one. They aren’t going to fix that craving for me, but they’re going to make me remember why I started this journey.
There are so many more thoughts I have on this book, and thoughts I have on life in general. One thing became abundantly clear to me while listening – I have goals to write and I need to be over here and there writing more than I have been. Hold me to this, friends. And even if you don’t make it back here, know that I’ll be writing. xoxo